So, I'm sure a majority of you know about or have taken the Myers-Briggs personality test. I take it about once a year or every 2 years. It changes a bit, but the one thing that stays consistent is the third factor: F.
I'm a semi-E and a semi-I, my N and my S interchange, I can be J or P, but always, always, always, I'm an F -- and usually at 66%, so pretty high. (If you're not familiar with the tests, the F is for Feeling.)
It didn't surprise me that I got very attached to the girls at the Home in Quyquyho, but it did awaken strong feelings in me, that I hadn't let myself experience. School and work sort of train you not to be "too sensitive" or too vulnerable. My own personal experiences have molded me to not share or dwell too much on my true feelings, and even to be ashamed of my feelings.
But during the trip, I was feeling a lot. My heart broke for the girls, for the needs that I saw, for the people who were serving there, for their uncertain futures, and like I mentioned, over all of it, there was that hope in Christ that tied it all together.
When I came back, I felt like my heart was so open and so full. I think that is the freedom in Christ that Paul describes.
I was even able to have a heart-to-heart with my mom and my dad, and pray with them. It was such a blessing and a miracle to me. Praise God.
It's been over a week since I've come back home and it's been a time for reflection.
At our last team meeting on Sunday, we were asked if we wanted to go back again next year. I was surprised that we were asked so soon after the trip, because I felt like I still hadn't even taken it all in yet.
I love those girls. I love Osvaldo and Maria-Luisa. The home and the cause. Everything.
Naturally, I'd want to go back, right? But, I was afraid to even say that.
I felt like I left a huge chunk of myself there and still feel like I'm getting my bearings here in the day in and day out. Thinking about the next year felt so daunting.
I think a small part of it, too, was that I didn't want to move forward too fast and possibly forget or minimize the impact this trip had on my life.
As I pray about God's will in my life, I can hear a still small voice and peace that is really coming from within. I know it's Christ doing a work in me. I want to keep it forever.
Making any bold moves or plans now instills a fear in me that I will break what I have.
Then this morning on K-LOVE, the radio lady mentioned an encouraging card her friend had written her saying: "You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."
So, Lord, I pray that my fears not become bigger than my faith in You, and that when You call, I can boldly say "Here I am. Use me for Your glory."
That being said, I would love to go again next year, God willing.