Monday, June 30, 2014

Online Dating for a Christian Girl, Part 2

Hullo!

I actually meant to write the second installment a week later, but life happened. Left my job, went to Paris, got a boyfriend, started my new job, all that jazz. And now, I'm back!
So, as advertised, this blog post will have some funny anecdotes and advice for Christian Guys With No Game (CGWNG).

Let me get this out there: Christian women who are dating online are definitely looking for a man who truly loves Jesus and walks with the Lord. But, the buck doesn't stop there.

So, I want to write this post to hopefully help some Christian brothers who are looking for love, but may be lacking know-how in online dating.

Let me introduce you to some CGWNGs.

1. Tunnel-vision Tony

Ding! You got a new message in your online dating inbox. Now, men, this is your initial chance to really gain the lady's interest. Make the most of it. I always read my messages to see what the dude had to say.

Tunnel-vision Tony is someone who I've encountered a few times. His entire profile is all about loving Jesus, which is great, but he sends me a message all about himself. No questions, just a big brick of text. 
"Hi, I'm Blahblah. I love Jesus and see that you do, too! We must be meant to be. Let me tell you about myself: adfj;ksjdfaskjdfjsdflkjsdlkfmdkkfjsdkf. I want a Christian woman. I want this. I want that. You seem like you fit what I want." The end.

Whether it's true or not, it just looks like you copied and pasted that message to any lady you found via the "Christian" filter in Advanced Search. 

My boyfriend actually got me, hook-line-and-sinker from his first message (don't tell him). He told me a little about himself and weaved in questions for me, that obviously showed that he read my profile and actually cared about what I wrote. He mentioned our shared love and fear of the Lord, but didn't make it seem like that fact alone meant that we were meant for each other. It was a simple, well-thought out message that could definitely not have been Ctrl+Ved, and with no grammatical errors. Hubba hubba.

Before, I introduce the next CGWNG, let me say that left and right I hear Christian guys say "I only date for marriage."
But I think this phrase idea gets so heavily misconstrued, that brothers start to excuse certain behaviors in the name of Dating For Marriage. IMHO, dating for marriage means that you don't just date whoever the heck lands up on your doorstep. You don't waste your time chasing the wind, you want something solid that can eventually turn into something serious later. You're picky, but hopefully don't people as incarnations of your future spouse laundry list.

2. Business Bob
Business Bob knows what he wants. He wants to date someone for 1 year, get married and then live the dream of having a house and 2.5 kids. What he needs to ask you before he can consider you as the mother of his children is:
"What's your 5 year plan?" (Does it fit with my vision?)
"How many other people have you dated?" (How much baggage do you have? Any exes I should be wary about?)
"How do you feel about kids?" (HAVE MY BABIES)

(Parentheses indicate what he's really asking, ha ha)

And Business Bob gets down to business. He has no qualms asking a girl these questions within the first 30 minutes of meeting her in-person.

Some chicks dig it (most do not).

My best gal pal S says that this shouldn't be a big no-no since this is the online dating scene and you both know that you're looking and don't want to waste time with someone who doesn't want what you want. This reasoning makes sense, but I'm just saying that, as a girl, it's just kind of scary to get into that kind of conversation when you first meet. I want to find out what your laugh sounds like, not how many kids you want us to have together.

3. Whiny Will
Whiny Will is usually past 30 and on your first date he will lament about how all of his friends are in relationships, married or already having kids. He will look at you with hopeful eyes that say: "Please jump up and down and say that you are in the same boat."

One guy actually told me this before we even got the menu to order for lunch. He literally said: "I know it's early, but... I want kids. I WANT IT." o_o

I get your feelings, Whiny Will, I'm looking for luv, too (that's why I'm on the dating site!). But, yea... Don't whine about how all your friends are getting married and having kids. It kind of feels like you just want to get a girlfriend so that you can join your friends, not because you actually like the girl.

Later, "I WANT IT" guy asked me if I changed my nephew's diapers and nodded approvingly when I said that I did. (Way to make me feel like I'm just a huge walking ovary!)

4. Eager Edgar
Oh, Eager Edgar. There is no question that he is interested. Which is nice, for a change. I've been on the sad end of more than a couple of unintentional Ambiguous Alans who ambivalently pursued some weird amorphous relationship-type thingie only to pull disappearing acts whenever convenient.
However, Eager Edgar is like Ambiguous Alan's polar opposite. Like, South Pole.
Eager Edgar didn't really do anything wrong. He just wears his heart on his sleeve... and doesn't read the mood. His favorite thing to do is to ask for a second date in the middle of the first date, without really thinking how his date feels.

I've been asked out on a second date in the middle of a first date that was really not going well. But I wonder if that was his trump card. And it kind of worked, because I was put on the spot and couldn't say 'no.' In my defense, I was in his car while he was driving and my choices were: 1) cringe and say 'yes,' 2) say 'no' and feel unsafe while in an enclosed moving space that was under his control, or 3) say nothing and jump out of the moving vehicle.

That's not all. And, I don't mean to make fun, and it was slightly flattering, but the guy asked me for the second date THREE times during the first date, and then text-confirmed with me right after we parted...

Eagerness can be cute. Over the top alacrity, not so much.

Calmeth downeth, Eager Edgar. (Or at least wait until the end of the date to ask.)

**Also, just a note, if a girl is interested, she won't make you initiate everything. After a couple days of not hearing from you, if a girl likes you, she will most definitely contact you.

And remember, these are just general guidelines heavily influenced by my own (hilarious and uncomfortable) experiences.

If it's meant to be, it'll happen! For realsies, There is a time for everything, including a time for learning. Trust in the Lord-- He's got it all it in His hands. :)

2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing Jini. Although I admit I have been avoiding online dating like the plague I cant exactly say why. Maybe its because I've never been comfortable with it but then again I've never been comfortable with whole the dating scene in general (so that's no answer). But lately I have been hearing about the positive experiences and outcomes of friends like you who share the good and the bad of online dating. This has allowed me over time to at least consider it or look at it in a new light rather then quickly dismissing it like I always do. Lastly I think its re-assuring that I don't seem to exhibit those attributes that were written about above. however I'll leave that answer up to the people who know me the best.

    Thanks again !

    Rob

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    1. Thanks for your comment, Rob!! :) And yea, online dating definitely has a stigma attached to it, but it's just another way to meet people. I'm glad you're feeling a little more open to it-- and no pressure if you're still uncomfy with the idea.
      Rob, you're such a good dude amigo- I think you'll have no problem as soon as you put yourself out there. :)

      Best of luck, mi amigo/hermano!
      Jini

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